The last couple of weeks I had reasons to look back on my life. A lot of physical pain made me vulnerable to emotional hurt and, being who I am, I was looking for a cause on my part. Where did I go wrong? Was taking responsibility for everyone in and around my family, my employees, and even feelings or reactions of my relatives not enough? Didn’t I always put them before my own wellbeing? Was I trying too hard to do more than necessary to get their approval? Was I wrong in honestly believing in doing that it would ensure me a special place in heaven? Was I caring and loving too much and not expressing it in words, not talking about it, just thinking my acts would speak louder than words? Now, towards the end of my life, I came across these 18 rules of the Dalai Lama and I realize that I should also have taken my own needs into consideration and not always put myself second or not even take my needs seriously. Big mistake! One sentence my second (step) daughter expressed at a critical time: “If you would have insisted on your right we would have respected you more.” Her sentence is burned into my brain, but I had an excuse why I did what I did. “I did it for you (plural)”.
Please read the following slowly and with attention to detail. I would very much like to hear your thoughts on these rules and what I am trying to express with my introduction. Thank you.
“Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living” Expanded
- Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. Risk is involved in every great opportunity in life. If it isn’t risky, then everyone would be doing it, thus making it ordinary and not “great.” Separate yourself from the crowd as one who not only can take risks, but enjoys doing so. Certainty life can only be comforting until it gets boring.
- When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. If you lose what you have learned not to do, you will be doomed to repeat it. More importantly, however, do fear failure. Failure is the precursor to success. Hardly any great thing that you wish to accomplish will come without failure. This ties back to the rule of risk mentioned above.
- Follow the three Rs:
- Respect for self – Confidence is key in success and one who does not respect himself does not believe in himself. Thus, if you do not respect yourself, you cannot possibly succeed in anything great, nor can you respect others.
- Respect for others – And you will be respected in return. Anyone who does not return that respect is immediately letting you know that they are not worth your time, and that they do not respect themselves. Avoid weak/insecure/self-loathing people.
- Responsibility for all your actions – You alone are responsible for your feelings, actions, success, etc. You are in complete control of your life, so do not try and blame other people for your mistakes or misfortunes.
- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Not everything that you desire will be necessarily good for you in the long run. If something just seems to not work out continually, in such a way that it seems almost like fate intervened, consider letting it go or come back to it at another time. The Universe works in mysterious ways and should be trusted. Just be sure you are not mistaking your own failure as the Universe telling you something.
- Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. Rules are meant to be broken. Most of them are put in place by archaic, corrupt institutions that seek only to enslave and maintain their own power. When it comes to breaking them, be sure to do it properly to avoid punishment. But above all things make sure you DO in fact break rules. If authority was never questioned, we could be a stagnant
- Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship. Obviously, friendship is more important than one small fight, but very few people actually put this rule into practice. They also need to be able to follow rule #7 in order to truly follow #6.
- When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. And do not let your pride get in the way of taking those steps. Apologize, taking full responsibility. That will speak for your character more strongly than the action of making the mistake in the first place.
- Spend some time alone every day. No matter what you do, take at least 30 minutes out of your day to spend alone in a quiet place. This will give you at least a half-hour to examine what is going on in your life, to examine yourself and to figure out what you want. Whether it is through prayer, meditation, yoga or golf, this ritual is a must. The Law of Attraction is the best way to spend this time.
- Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. This world is constantly changing. If you are not open to change, then you are going to live a very miserable life. You, yourself, are going to change as well, but that does not mean that your values have to change as well. Welcome new places, new faces and new loves, but never change those core parts of you unless you have strong reasons to believe you were wrong to believe in them in the first place.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Silence leads to relaxed contemplation during which emotions have less influence and logic can take over. For example, in an argument with a friend, remaining silent instead of retaliating with something anger-driven is more efficient in ending the argument faster and with less hurt for both parties. Or consider Gandhi, who took down the British Empire through silent, pacifistic behavior. Silence is a powerful tool that few choose to use over irrational action. Consider it next time you find yourself in a difficult situation.
- Live a good, honourable life. Then, when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time. You are going to have to live with your actions for the rest of your life, so save yourself the regret and anguish and live with honour now. Good things also come to good people. You will never be punished for acting with integrity, only rewarded.
- A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. This is the rule that you have the least amount of control over. Your family dynamic will ultimately determine your home atmosphere, but you can definitely help it along by showing your family that you love them. As in rule #3, if you respect (love) your family, they will provide you with respect and love in return. This rule comes to play again when starting a family. Inject love into your home. Make the walls glisten with endearment. That will set a solid foundation for the lives of your children.
- In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past. The past is constant, unchanging. Bringing it up can only bring more pain to the current situation. This is a problem especially with loved ones because relationships with them go so far back into the past and are so fueled by emotion. Forgive any past actions and focus on the present.
- Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. One learns so much just from living a lifetime. Share that knowledge with the people you come across, it can only help them in their journeys. Even more important, share your failures so that others will not repeat them.
- Be gentle with the Earth. The Earth is where we live. So this should be obvious. Hurting the Earth is hurting yourself and the futures of your children and loved ones.
- As often as possible, go someplace you’ve never been before. Experience new places and new things. You might find yourself with someone or somewhere that makes you much happier than your previous circumstance. The Earth is so vast with unique and beautiful places, why wouldn’t you want to go explore them?
- Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. The opposite is a sign that the relationship should end. If you need someone more than you love them, it is a sign of dependency, not affection. Find someone where love is the dominant force and you will find yourself in a much more fulfilling relationship.
- Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Success is not truly success if you had to compromise yourself or your loved ones in order to achieve it. Decide what you want. Design your ideal life and go for it. Do not let any part of that dream slip away in order to get the rest or you will live in regret.
Love your book Giselle and all of your comments and stories. All full of real value! Thank you for sharing. Joan
I really appreciate you telling me. I have written my books not for making money, that is practically impossible if you are not a known bestseller writer. But I feel this overwhelming NEED to SHARE my stories, my thoughts, and memories because I KNOW they may help someone. My only wish is to HEAR from people, have a discussion going, an exchange, build a fan club if we want to call it that. People who like me, love me and I can like and love them in return. An extended family.
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I’ve seen these “rules” before, though never knew they were attributed to the Dalai Lama. They all make abundant sense, don’t they? Perhaps we should print out the list and paste it on the fridge just to remind ourselves.
Thanks for posting this Giselle. It’s a timely reminder. Sorry I’ve been a bit off and on missing in action lately. Hit a really busy patch. Also sorry I didn’t detect that you need an ear to pour your troubles into. I’ll try harder. Bless you. Hope you are healing, for sure. Bless you.
Thought-provoking! Thanks for this, Giselle